It's Been Too Long (Adam)

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]"Dean." And his voice went dark on the name. Adam harbored a world of resentment against his oldest half-brother, and only a tiny portion of that was actually because of the whole substitute-vessel thing. Most of it came from the way that Dean had promised to come for him, had promised that they were brothers and were going to stick together and then had abandoned him to the tortures of Heaven and then the agony of the Cage.

He shook his head, no reason to take any of that out on Sam. Instead he focused on the other thing. "What does 'fairly well, all things considered' mean? Don't hold out on me, man, because if you've got this shit in any kind of control, I could use some pointers. If you don't, maybe I can hook you up with antipsychotics. They help."[/adam]

[Sam Winchester]

[sam]Sam opened his mouth, hesitated, and shut it again. It was a few moments before he could actually answer Adam honestly. "It's not easy. I didn't have any control of it for a long time. Fell into self pity and all that shit. Even now, I can't get rid of-of him. Lucifer. He's always there. Watching. Waiting for me to slip up enough for him to get in."

He shrugged helplessly. "At this moment, I'm holding it together because I have no choice. Because I'd rather ignore him than spiral out of control when I feel you need me. I made it here in one piece. And Cas...Well, he's given me things to do, things to focus on. He doesn't know how bad it still is. I won't tell him. But, damn it, if I could take this shit away from you, I would. You shouldn't have to suffer like this." Yeah, a part of him still blamed himself for all of the events that had led up to Adam's fall.

"No drugs. I'm only holding what threads I have because my head is clear." Of course, he wasn't going to mention that pain helped, there was no way in hell Sam was going to send Adam down that path.[/sam]

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]Adam looked down at his slightly dirty hands, up at Sam, then pulled up that old-fashioned toiletry bag again and dumped out the contents onto the bedspread. More than a dozen mis-matched pill bottles spilled out across the bed, along with marijuana paraphenalia and, worryingly, a handful of wrapped syringes and bottles. "Antipsychotics. Antidepressants. Sedatives now and then, though I don't dare use 'em often since the demons figured out I'm alive. Migraine meds. A whole lot of pot and tobacco. Leaves me just about half-functional. I don't have Michael hanging around. It's...the world blurs around me. Walls bleed, people's faces distort, I smell blood and hot metal and that sweet grass stink of Michael's breath, I--" he broke off, forcing himself to calm.

"The memories won't back off," he said flatly. "I can't keep 'em locked away. Every minute I'm here, I'm also still there. And a lot of those minutes I'm not more than half-convinced that this isn't all another of their games."[/adam]

[Sam Winchester]

[sam]Again, Sam's heart broke. He was at a loss. Adam's plight was downright unfair. And he wasn't sure he could give him what he needed, what he could get from the drugs. "I'm staying." This time it wasn't so much a plea as a statement of fact. "You were down there longer than I was and your sense of reality isn't clear. I'm going to find a way to help, so I'm staying. I won't protest with whatever it is you need. And I'm more than capable of keeping you safe from the demons. I'll be honest, right now I'm not sure how to help you, but leaving isn't the way to go."[/sam]

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]Adam started packing his bag again, his movements jerky and not particularly precise. "It's not the demons that worry me. Mostly I'm afraid of going batshit and shooting a waitress because her eyes bled out to white and she spoke to me in Lucifer's voice. I can't tell the difference, Sam." And this time he voice cracked, badly. "I have to guess, and go by what people around me are doing. Last time the demons showed up I sat there an extra five seconds because until other people started screaming and running I figured it was another hallucination."

With everything else packed away, Adam went back to packing himself a bowl. "I don't need you to save me." It sounded like the lie it was, and he knew it. "You've got your own shit to do. I just want...fuck, I don't know. Maybe I just want some peace. To sleep at night. To fucking understand what they want from me. Why I'm here again."[/adam]

[Sam Winchester]

[sam]"I'm not here to save you. I'm here to watch your back. If you can't trust your own instincts, then you need instincts you can rely on. I'm not perfect, no, but I trust my instincts. And, right now, my schedule's pretty fucking clear. I haven't talked to Dean in months and the only other lead Cas gave me was vague at best." There was a stubborn set to his jaw, Sam wasn't leaving unless Adam forced him. He knew he was lying about saving Adam just as badly as his brother was. He wanted to save him. Not for himself, but for Adam's sake. "Let me help, Adam. We'll find out why they brought you back and then..." He wasn't sure, the last time he'd fought 'destiny', it had gotten Adam involved. "We'll figure this out. As brothers."

Sam took a seat on the other bed, watched Adam pack at his bowl. "I've got all the time in the world, Adam. I don't give a fuck about what they want." He did, only because not knowing frightened him, but he wasn't going to admit that to his brother at that moment.[/sam]

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]"Okay." Like he had it in him to argue? Like he could even lie to himself enough to pretend that he didn't want exactly this. To not be alone, to have some help figuring what he was in this world, how he was supposed to live his life in it.

He lit the bowl and took a deep, deep hit, held it with the ease of recent practice, and then offered the pipe to Sam in automatic courtesy. "So what happens now?" A little hoarse, but even good pot will do that to you. "What do we...where do we go?"[/adam]

[Sam Winchester]

[sam]Politely refusing the bowl, Sam thought about how to answer Adam's question. "Well, I have a car. And Castiel mentioned that I should talk to someone. Come with me. Zee is entertaining at least, and she's at least as good as I am. Possibly better." He had to take into account the size and strength difference, and the fact that she could keep up still impressed him.

"I have a car, if that helps." Sam pulled out his keys, proving that the means by which he'd acquired the vehicle was not going to land either of them in jail. Knowing Bobby was really handy at all times, Sam had come to realize. "The honest truth, though? We just keep doing what we've been doing, try to pull ourselves together. When they want us to know, they'll tell us. Or they won't and we'll figure it out anyway." He trusted Cas, enough to follow his instructions blindly.[/sam]

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]"Okay." It wasn't like he had any other ideas. He finished his bowl and then started packing down the room. He wasn't as good at it as some long-time hunters, but he knew what he needed to keep and what he was willing to discard and had zero sentimentality about the objects themselves.

While he worked he asked, almost begged, "Tell me about Zee? Who is she? What's she like? Why are we going to find her?" The conversation, the interaction was the first he'd had in his entire life and he needed it to try to stay present in this moment and place.[/adam]

[Sam Winchester]

[sam]Automatically, Sam got up and started packing away Adam’s clothing. He didn’t bother asking, he knew he would be able to pack it tighter and faster and it gave him something to do with his hands. “Zee is…She’s a hunter, like me. She’s tiny and ferocious and absolutely brilliant. She’s a friend of mine and she’s saved my life more than I care to admit. Of course, I’ve saved hers just as many. Equals and all that. We’re going to find her because Castiel told me to talk to her. Something about importance and things I need to know. For all I know, she could have found out something big. I haven’t seen her since…” He paused, thinking back. “Let’s just say it’s been a while. It’s about time to track her down anyway, or bump into her. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s been avoiding me, but that’s not really possible is it?”

Realizing he was getting off track, Sam cleared his throat self-consciously. “Anyway, I trust Cas. And if he says I need to talk to Zee, then that’s what I’ll do. Besides, she’ll be a good influence for you I think.” He was clearly fond of the girl he’d run into off and on for the past several years.[/sam]

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]He thought about that as he packed, the pot had steadied him out enough that his hands didn't shake as he rolled his clothes into tight, tidy bundles. "She part of the whole...you know, angels and demons thing?" Adam had been surprised to find out that not all hunters were. He'd just assumed.

Speaking of, though, "You know Dad's back too, right? Somewhere. No idea where, I think he's probably avoiding me though. Not like he ever had trouble finding any of us when he wanted to."[/adam]

[Sam Winchester]

[sam]"Not as far as I know, no. The last time I saw her, we were both hunting a faerie. Which is nothing like hunting Tinkerbelle. I think I might dislike the fae more than even the demons. Demons are, by far, worse but the fae are fucking tricky." At least with the demons, everything was usually pretty black and white.

Sam came to a full stop, wide eyes staring off into space. "Dad is...?" He tried not to be angry, he really did. "Why hasn't he bothered to get into contact with any of us? Has he talked to you at all?" A silent bout of fury was already mixing with wonder at having his father back.[/sam]

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]Adam shook his head. "Not a word. I only know 'cause of something one of the angels said the night they brought me back. Didn't stop to ask questions, just banished them and ran like fuck." He still to this day couldn't decide whether that had been the smartest decision he'd ever made or the dumbest.[/adam]

[Sam Winchester]

[sam]"Mm." The sound was noncommital and distant, only because he was wondering what the hell was going through their father's brain. "Thanks for the heads up, but he'll show up when he wants to be found. He always has." Irritable about it even though he felt he shouldn't be, he automatically went around the small motel room to make sure nothing was left behind and then zipped up the bag he'd been packing. "All set?"

Partly because of who he was and partly because of the things that Sam couldn't escape, he didn't like to linger in any one place for too long. And he'd been in Miami for a while.[/sam]

[Adam Milligan]

[adam]A final glance around and then Adam took one of the washcloths out of the bathroom and a laundromat one-load bottle of bleach and wiped out every ward and sigil he'd put in the room. When that was done he trashed the washcloth, washed his hands, and said, "Yeah, let's get out of here."

He followed Sam out to the car, head down and hair falling in his eyes, and found somewhat to his own amazement that he was quite sure that this moment was real. That it was actually happening, he was living this event. Such a small thing to be a profound moment in someone's life, but with the uncertainty that surrounded Adam at all times, it was a meaningful thing. The start, maybe, of something better.[/adam]